Drill Sergeant

A DRILL SERGEANT IS WHAT I MOTHERFUCKING AM! FROM THIS POINT ON, NOTHING WILL COME OUT OF THAT FILTHY CESSPOOL OF SHIT YOU CALL A MOUTH! YOU WILL ONLY RESPOND WITH 'SIR YES SIR' OR 'SIR NO SIR', DO YOU UNDERSTAND MAGGOT?!

WHAT ARE YOU? YOU ARE A FUCKING PATHETIC, BOW-LEGGED, BASEMENT-WANKING MAGGOT! STRAIGHTEN UP WHILE YOU’RE READING THIS, FAGGOT! DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?! YOU ARE OFFICIALLY MY BITCH FOR THE DURATION OF THIS ARTICLE, AND CONSIDERING HOW FAST YOU READ, YOU’RE GONNA BE MY BITCH FOR A SOLID WEEK! HEY! DON’T YOU EVEN TRY CLICKING ANY OF THOSE SHINY BLUE LINKY LINKS, MAGGOT! NOT THAT I REALLY EXPECT YOU TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE SUBJECT FOR MORE THAN TEN SECONDS UNLESS IT INCLUDES THE WORD “BOOBIES” OR “LOL” MORE THAN SIX TIMES! AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF TRYING TO GET REN HOEK TO PUSH ME INTO A HOLE FULL OF DOG SHIT!

YOU = MAGGOT
LOOK AT YOU! LOOK AT YOU WITH YOUR $3 HAIRCUT AND THAT FREAK SHOW EXCUSE FOR A FACE! YOU LOOK LIKE SOMEONE CUT OFF THE CANCER-INFECTED VAGINA LIPS OF A FEMALE ELEPHANT AND STUCK THEM PERMANENTLY TO YOUR SKULL! YOU MAKE ME SICK! GET DOWN ON THIS FUCKING KEYBOARD RIGHT NOW AND TYPE “I AM A DIARRHEA SLURPING REDNECK BUM HUMPER” 500 TIMES, RIGHT NOW!

I am a diarrhea slurping redneck bum humper. i am a diarhea sulrping redneck bum humper. I am a diarrhea slurping redncek bum humpr. I am a diarrhea slurping redneck bum humper. i am a diarhea sulrping redneck bum humper. I am a diarrhea slurping redneck bum humper. I am a diarrhea slurping redneck bum humper. i am a diarhea sulrping redneck bum humper. i am a diarhea sulrping redncek bum humpr. I am…

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE MAGGOT! YOU THINK I CAN’T TELL WHEN SOMEONE’S USING COPY AND PASTE? WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR FAGGOT?! I’D TAKE YOU OUT BACK TO THE FUCKING LATRINE AND DROP A SIXTEEN CHILI BURRITO DUMP IN THAT TOOTHLESS SLACKJAW MOTHER OF YOURS IF I DIDN’T THINK YOU’D ENJOY IT, YOU FILTHY LITTLE FUCKING SCATOLOGICAL SON OF A DRUNKEN PLUMBER!

YOU = LIMP-WRISTED HOMO
SINCE 'DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL' WAS REPEALED, I CAN CALL YOU A FAGGOT. SO YOU’RE NOT JUST A MAGGOT, YOU’RE ALSO A FAGGOT! NO, YOU'RE A MAG-FAGGOT. GOT THAT MAG-FAGGOT?!

YOU = UNFUNNY
SO YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT GETTING SMART NOW, EH? YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT EDITING MY ARTICLE TO “MAKE IT BETTER” WITH SOME OF YOUR FUCKING CUM-HOLE LICKING EASTERN ALABAMA ASS-FACE MONKEY FECES?! BAD IDEA SHITWIZARD, AT THE AGE I WROTE MY FIRST FEATURED ARTICLE YOU WERE STILL CRYING TO YOUR MAMA THAT YOU CAN’T FIND WALDO! FOR GOD'S SAKE I’VE PASSED FUCKING JAGGED, BLOODY GALLSTONES THAT MADE ME LAUGH MORE THAN YOU! BUT ALRIGHT, MY PRANCING LITTLE TINKERBELL SOLDIER, LET’S SEE WHAT YOU GOT! Uhh… Umm… Where do pigs park their cars? – In a porking lot! WHAT?! WHERE DID YOU GET THAT ONE FROM, A FRIGGING LAFFY TAFFY WRAPPER? WHILE YOU’RE AT IT WHY DON’T YOU GET ME A GODDAMN LAFFY TAFFY, BOY! BUT NONE OF THAT BANANA FLAVOR BULLSHIT, THAT STUFF TASTES LIKE SPUNKIFIED ASS RUNCH! AND I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS! SEE WHAT YOU’RE DOIN’ TO ME FAGGOT! YOU AND YOUR SHIT-STAINED GRIN IS MAKING ME FUCKING INCOHERENT! I TELL YOU WHAT I’D BITCHSLAP YOU IN THE FACE RIGHT NOW IF I WANTED TO SPLASH MY HAND UP AGAINST A QUARTER PINT OF FACE CRATER PUS AND AARDVARK ASSHOLE PERSPIRATION!

THIS AIN’T ABOUT ME
SO YOU WONDER WHY I DON’T TALK ABOUT MYSELF IN MY OWN ARTICLE? WELL MAYBE I DON’T WANT TO DEFLATE YOUR FUCKING BORDERLINE WRIST-SLITTING SELF-ESTEEM TELLING YOU HOW I WAS BANGING MY DOUBLE D CUP SEVENTH GRADE TEACHER WHILE YOU WERE STILL TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO TIE YOUR FUCKING VELCRO SHOES! SO GET YOUR FATASS OVER HERE AND EAT THIS BULLSHIT, RIGHT NOW!!!!!

YOU = RETARDED COW
DID I MENTION YOUR RETARDED? Not really.

WELL THEN, YOU'RE A RETARDED COW!!!!! I BET YOUR IQ IS SO LOW, NOT EVEN ALBERT FUCKING EINSTEIN COULD GUESS YOUR IQ. YOUR AS DUMB AS A BAG OF BULLSHIT, BUT I DON'T MEAN TO OFFEND BAGS OF BULLSHIT BY SAYING THEY'RE AS DUMB AS YOU, BECAUSE YOUR DUMBER, FAGGOT!!!!! YOU DIGUST ME, FAGGOT!!!

YOU = UGLY
YOUR F-ING UGLY, SOLDIER!!! IF I COULD DESCRIBE YOU IN ONE WORD, IT WOULD BE UGLY!!!!! WHY DON'T YOU PUT ON SOME GODDAMN LIPSTICK AND EYE-LINER, YOU UGLY FAGGOT!!!! IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE CUT OFF THE ASS OF A HORSE AND WHAMMED THEM PERMANENTLY ON YOUR FACE WITH THOSE CANCER-INFECTED ELEPHANT VAGINA LIPS!!! YOUR MOM MUST BE UGLY TOO!!!!! I BET THE REASON YOU FLUNKED PRE-SCHOOL IS THAT YOUR HOT PRE-SCHOOL TEACHER MUST HAVE VOMITED JUST BECAUSE SHE SEES YOUR FACE ALL THE FUCKING TIME!!!! I ALSO MARRIED TO YOUR PRE-SCHOOL TEACHER! SHE SAYS SHE HATES YOUR FACE! I'M GETTING TIRED OF SEEING YOUR FACE!!!! NOW DROP AND GIVE ME ONE GOOGOL PUSH-UPS RIGHT NOW!!!!

YOU = SHIT-FACE
YOU GOT NERVE SHOWING UP HERE IN THE FIRST PLACE MAGGOT! YOU DIGUST ME IN EVERY WAY, SHAPE, AND FORM ANYONE CAN IMAGINE!!!!! EVEN MORE THAN THE GRINCH OR THE CHUPACABRA, OR A GRINCH-CHUPACABRA HYBRID! NOW THAT'S F-ING UGLY! BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOU, FAGGOT!!! YOUR STILL THE UGLIEST PERSON ON THE FACE OF THE FUCKING EARTH! SO GET YOUR FACE OUT OF MY SIGHT!!!

YOU = HORRIBLE
YOUR NOT FIT TO BE HERE, FAGGOT!!!! IF ISABELLA GARCIA-SHAPIRO WAS HERE RIGHT NOW, SHE WOULD SHOVE HER FOOT UP YOUR ASS! I WOULD! YOUR RECTUM WOULD BE IN YOUR GIRL PENIS, SO EVERY TIME YOU FART, YOU FART OUT YOUR PENIS! NOW, YOU WOULDN'T WANT THAT, WOULDN'T WE? YOU BE FARTING INTO VAGINAS WHILE HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH THAT FAT ELEPHANT YOU CALLED A WIFE!! I BET SHE AIN'T YOUR WIFE, YOU'RE TOO UGLY, FAGGOT!

YOU = FAT
I NOTICE YOUR FAT TOO!!! DID YOU EAT A COW? I BET YOU DID, YOU FAT, UGLY FAGGOT!!! YOU MUST HAVE ATE AT MCDONALDS BEFORE COMING HERE! WHAT YOU GET? A BIG MAC? WITH A SIDE OF LARDSHIT? Um... I hate Big Macs, sir.

WHAT, YOU HATE BIG MACS, FATTY? TRY THE WHOPPER! YEAH, GO STUFF YOUR UGLY FACE WITH A FAT-FILLED WHOPPER! AND I BET YOUR MOM MAKES JOKES ABOUT YOUR WEIGHT! I GOT ONE! YOUR SO FAT, THE SOLAR SYSTEM ORBITS AROUND YOU INSTEAD OF THE SUN!!! ISN'T THAT FUNNY? NO? WELL, WHO CARES!!! YOU'RE FAT, UGLY, RETARDED COW!!!!

YOU = ASSHOLE
YOUR A SHIT-HEAD, MAGGOT! I BET YOUR MOM WANTED TO ABORT YOU BECAUSE YOUR SO F-ING UGLY!!! I CAN GO ON AND ON ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE YOU ARE, SO I WILL. YOUR LIFE IS A WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT THAT NOBODY WANTS TO BE APART OF!!! YOUR A DISGRACE TO MANKIND, SOLIDER!

YOU = GAY ASSHOLE
YOU'RE GAY, FAGGOT!!! THAT'S RIGHT!!!! YOU'RE GAY!!!! I BET WHEN YOU GO HOME, YOU SHOVE YOUR PENIS UP A GAY MAN'S UGLY ANUS! MAYBE, YOU SHOVE IT UP YOUR OWN UGLY ANUS WHILE THAT GAY GUY SUCKS YOUR BALLS! YOU'RE A FILTHY PIECE OF GAY SHIT, FAGGOT! I BET YOU LISTEN TO JUSTIN BIEBER WHILE YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND PLAYS WITH THOSE FATTY MAN-TITS OF YOURS! YOUR JUST A HORRIBLE GAY ASSHOLE!

YOU = SMELLY
YOU SMELL, MAGGOT! YOU SMELL LIKE A SHIT-FILLED TOILET WITH AN UGLY FAT MAN SHITTING DIARRHEA INTO IT!!! WHY DON'T YOU BATHE IN THAT WATER HOLE? BUT DON'T BATHE IN THAT POND, YOUR SMELL ALONG WITH YOUR UGLINESS WILL CAUSE ALL THE FISH TO DIE! HEY, WHAT I TELL-OH SHIT, YOU DID IT! YOU STUPID, SMELLY, FATASS, UGLY, GAY, SHITFACED MOTHERFUCKER, YOU MURDERED ALL THE FISH IN THAT POND! AS PUNISHMENT, GIVE ME ONE GOOGOLPLEX PUSH-UPS RIGHT NOW!!!!!!

YOU = THE F WORD
YOU KNOW WHY THE F WORD EXIST? IT'S TO DESCRIBE YOU, FAGGOT!! YOUR A HORRIBLE PIECE OF DOG SHIT! SO F YOU!

YOU = SHE-MALE
YOUR A GIRL, FAGGOT!!! YOU'RE AN UGLY GIRL WHO EATS BULLSHIT FOR LUNCH!!! I BET YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND SAYS YOU'RE A FEMALE!!! I GUESS YOU CAN'T EVEN GET FUCKED BY GAY FAGGOT!!! YOU BE PERFECT FOR ELLEN DEGENERES!!! SHE'S A LESBIAN AND YOU'RE A LESBIAN, BECAUSE YOUR SO GIRLY AND GAY! YOU WANT ME TO CARRY THAT GIRL PURSE FOR YOU MA'AM?

YOU = PLANET ASS
WHAT'S THE SEVENTH PLANET FROM THE SUN? IT'S THAT HOLE SHOVED UP YOUR ASS! THAT'S RIGHT YOU HAVE A GAS PLANET SHOVED UP YOUR UGLY ASS!! IT'S CALLED URANUS!!! YOU MUST PITY THAT FART-FILLED PLANET, BECAUSE IT'S SHOVED FORCEFULLY UP YOUR UGLY ASS! BUT YOU SHOULD SMELL THAT PLANET, IT SMELLS AS BAD AS YOU!!!!

YOU = MAN-TITS
YOU'RE A PAIR OF MAN-TITS, MAGGOT!! IF YOU CAN JUMP UP AND DOWN AND NOT HAVE THOSE FATTY MAN-TITS OF YOURS SLAP YOU IN YOUR UGLY FACE, YOU CAN HAVE SEX WITH THIS HOT BIMBO I FOUND ON MY DOORSTEP! NOW GO!!! (SLAP) WOW, THOSE FATTY MAN-TITS LEFT A HUGE SCAR ON YOUR UGLY FACE! NOW I GET MY TREAT, SEX WITH A HOT BIMBO!

YOU = STILL FAT
YOUR STILL FAT AS EVER, FAGGOT! GO TO THE GYM OR SOMETHING, YOU WEIGHT MORE THAN  TWELVE THOUSAND POUNDS!!!! YOU EAT PIZZA ON THE WAY HERE? SUBWAY? TACOS? GO TO TACO SHIT? YEAH, I BET YOU DID, MAGGOT! YOU EAT ANY MORE, THE EARTH WOULD COMMIT SUICIDE SO IT DIDN'T HAVE TO CARRY YOUR FAT ASS AROUND ALL THE TIME!!!

YOU = DRUG ADDICT
YOU AN UGLY SHIT-FACED LOSER! YOU GET HIGH ON METH? YOU BETTER NOT, OR I'LL SHIP YOUR SORRY ASS TO THE GODDAMN QUEEN OF ENGLAND AND SHE'LL SLAP THAT UGLY FACE OF YOURS SO HARD, YOUR ASS-SHAPED FACE WOULD HURT FOR MONTHS! YOU BETTER PISS IN THIS CUP SO I SEE IF YOUR HIGH OR NOT! BUT DON'T PISS IN THE OTHER POND BECAUSE IF- OH SHIT, YOU DID IT AGAIN!! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? GIVE ME ONE GOOGOL GOOGOLPLEX PUSH-UPS RIGHT NOW!

YOU = STILL GAY
YOUR GAY, FAGGOT!!! YOU STILL SHOVE THAT SORRY EXCUSE FOR A PENIS UP YOUR GAY BOYFRIEND'S ASS? I BET YOU DO, MAGGOT! YOU LOVE THAT GAY MOTHERFUCKER DON'T YOU? WELL HATE TO BREAK THE NEWS TO YOU, BUT THAT GAYASS ONLY WANTS YOUR SHITTY MONEY! YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE MONEY, DO YOU? I GUESS NOT!

YOU = POOR
THAT'S RIGHT! I'M GOING TO PUT TO DOWN BY SAYING YOUR A POOR PIECE OF SHIT! YOU CAN'T AFFORD ANYTHING!! NOT EVEN A SIMPLE GODDAMN LOLLYPOP! YOU CAN'T AFFORD ANYTHING WITH THAT DEAD END JOB OF YOURS! YOUR EMPLOYER HATES YOUR GUTS! I DO TOO!!!! YOUR ALWAYS TRYING TO HIT ON THAT GIRL ACROSS FROM YOUR CUBICAL!!! GET IT THOUGH YOUR FUCKING HEAD, SHE'S OUT OF YOUR LEAGUE!!! EVERY GIRL IS!!! YOUR TOO UGLY, FAGGOT!!!

YOU = ELEPLANT
YOU'RE A FAT, UGLY ELEPHANT, FAGGOT!!! YOU SPRAY WATER ON YOURSELF? YOU SHIT OUT COW-SIZED SHIT? YOU EAT PEANUTS? I BET YOU DO, ELEPHANT BOY!!!! YOU WANT SOME PEANUTS, ELEPHANT FAG? Ummm... sure?

WELL, I GOT NO GODDAMN PEANUTS, I FORGOT TO GET SOME AT THE STORE! SO STOP CRYING OR I'LL SEND YOU TO A CIRIUS SO THE TRAINERS CAN PUT ON A CIRIUS AFRO, AND FORCE YOU TO SING CIRIUS AFRO WITH A BUNCH OF LEMURS AND PENGUINS!!!!!

YOU = STILL UGLY
YOUR STILL UGLY, MAGGOT! I BEEN STARING AT YOUR FACE AND IT'S GIVING ME DIARRHEA!!!! DIARRHEA MORE WORSE THAN TACO BELL TACO DIARRHEA!!!! I BET YOUR FACE GIVES YOUR MOTHER EYE CANCER!!!! I'D SHOVE MY FIST DOWN THAT THING YOU CALL A THROAT!!!! YOUR FACE IS UGLY! U-G-L-Y!!!! UGLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YOU = DUMBASS
YOU'RE A DUMBASS, FAGGOT!!!!! YOU CAN'T EVEN FIGURE OUT HOW TO SOLVE THE SIMPLEST OF MATH PROBLEMS!!!!! I GOT ONE: WHAT'S TWO PLUS TWO? Uhhhhh.... Five? WHAT?!!!!!!!!!!? FIVE?!!!!? YOU PULLING MY LEG, BOY? IT'S OBVIOUS THE ANSWER IS FOUR, FAGGOT!!!! YOU TRYING TO BE A SMARTASS WITH ME, FAGGOT? YOU CAN'T THOUGH, BECAUSE YOU'RE A DUMBASS!!!!!

YOU = FAILURE
YOU'RE A FAILURE, MAGGOT!!!!! YOU'RE THE BIGGEST FAILURE IN HISTORY!!!!! YOU FAIL MORE THAN AN AMETUER ACTOR ON BROADWAY!!!! BUT I'M NOT A HEARTLESS MAN, FAGGOT! I'LL SEE IF YOU'RE A FAILURE, FAGGOT! IF YOU CAN RUN FROM THIS COMPUTER TO THE MESS HALL IN FIFTEEN SECONDS, I'LL JUST CALL YOU A HALF-FAILURE! IS THAT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? Sure. IT IS? GOOD NOW GO!!!!! (FLOP!) I GUESS YOU ARE A BIG FAILURE, YOU BIG FAT FAILURE!!!!

YOU = STUPID ANIMAL
NOW I'M GOING TO SAY YOUR SOME FUNNY DUMB ANIMAL, FAGGOT!!! LET'S SEE... YOU'RE A WHALE, BECAUSE YOU'RE FAT!!!!! YOU'RE A PIG TOO!!!! YOU'RE ALSO AN EMU, A JELLYFISH, A MAGGOT, A BEAVER, A LIZARD, A TURTLE, A SNAIL, AND A BIG FAT MOOSE!!!! HOW ABOUT A PENGUIN? YOU HAVE THOSE FLIGHTLESS WINGS YOU CALL ARMS!!!! HOW ABOUT A GUPPY? YOU HAVE GUPPIES AT YOUR HOUSE? WHO CARES, YOUR A ZEBRA!!!!

YOU = SMELLY BEEF CARCASS
YOUR A SMELLY BEEF CARCASS, MAGGOT!!!! OTHER MAGGOTS EAT YOU UP BECAUSE YOU'RE A SMELLY BEEF CARCASS!!!! YOU ROT IN THE FOREST LETTING DUMB ANIMALS EAT YOUR ROTTING FLESH!!!! YOU DIGUST ME, MAGGOT!!!! TELL YOU WHAT, I'LL SEND YOU TO THE GODDAMN PRESIDENT OF MEXICO, SO HE CAN RIP YOUR LIMBS OFF AND BEAT YOU UP WITH THEM AS HE PRETENDS YOUR A CANDY-FILLED PINAHA, YOU BIG, DUMB SON OF AN UGLY BITCH!!!!

YOU = SOMETHING ISABELLA HATES
YOUR A PIECE OF UGLY SHIT, FAGGOT!!!! YOU DIGUST ME AND EVERYONE ON PHINEAS AND FERB WITH THAT SORRY EXCUSE FOR A FACE!!!! YOU DENFINITLY DIGUST ISABELLA, BECAUSE SHE SAYS SHE WILL FIND YOU AND WILL BEAT YOUR UGLY FACE UNTIL YOUR FACE RESEMBLES THAT JOHN MERRICH GUY!!!! BUT YOU SHOULDN'T WORRY, YOU'RE ALREADY AN ELEPHANT BOY!!!! BUT THAT JOHN MERRICH GUY ISN'T AS UGLY AS YOU, BOY!!!! YOU'RE STILL UGLIER!!!!

YOU = ANAL LOSER
YOU ARE AN ANAL LOSER, FAGGOT! THE ONLY THING YOUR PENIS BELONGS IN IS THE BIGGEST ANUS ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH, WHICH IS YOURS, MAGGOT!!!! YOU BETTER NOT FLASH THAT GODDAMN TINY MEMBER OF YOURS, OR I'LL CUT THAT FRIGGING THING OFF AND FEED IT TO THE VULTURES!!!! BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE MEAN TO THE VULTURES BY POISIONING THEM WITH YOUR DEFORMED THIRD LEG OF YOURS!!!!

YOU = BAD AT FASHION
YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF FASHION, BOY! YOU WITH YOUR TEN DOLLAR SHIRT AND SHITTY BROWN PANTS, FAGGOT! YOU NEED TO WOW THE CROWD WITH YOUR CLOTHES, BOY, NOT MURDER THEM! YOU DIGUST ME, SOLDIER!

YOU = JUST PLAIN TERRIBLE
YOUR AN UGLY BITCH!! GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I PUNCH YOUR UGLY FACE!!!