Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is a supernatural being who can kill anything in the universe with one kick. He was born two seconds after god was.

Chuck Norris "facts"
Chuck Norris killed all the dinosaurs, with once kick.

Lightning doesn't strike Chuck Norris, Chuck Norris strikes lightning.

Chuck Norris abducts aliens.

Chuck Norris once ate a banana by looking at it.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

Chuck Norris can watch the longest video on YouTube in 0.5 seconds.

Chuck Norris blackmails the mafia.

Chuck Norris can destroy a black hole by jumping into it.

Chuck Norris when does push-ups, he didn't push up, he pushes the Earth down.

When Alexander Bell invented the telephone he had 3 missed calls from Chuck Norris

There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives.

After taking a camping trip, Chuck Norris knows that Bigfoot doesn't exist......anymore

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life.

Chuck Norris died 20 years ago, Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet.

Fear of spiders is arachniphobia, fear of tight spaces is claustraphobia, fear of Chuck Norris is called logic

Some magicians can walk on water, Chuck Norris can swim through land.

Chuck Norris and Superman once fought each other on a bet. The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris once urinated in a semi truck's gas tank as a joke....that truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Death once had a near-Chuck Norris experience

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris can cut through a hot knife with butter

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Chuck Norris once got bit by a rattle snake........ After three days of pain and agony ..................the rattle snake died

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. The bear isn't dead it is just afriad to move.

Chuck Norris can light a fire by rubbing two ice-cubes together.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch. HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris made a Happy Meal cry.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn't take shit from anybody.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

When Chuck Norris sends you a poke on Facebook it kills you.

Chuck Norris was supposed to play the lead role in Mission: Impossible. He was replaced by Tom Cruise because the title wouldn't make any sense.

Chuck Norris was in all 6 Star Wars movies............... As The Force.

Chuck Norris doesn't need a Twitter, He's already following you.

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris looks at himself at a mirror, there is no reflection. There can only be one Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

Chuck Norris can punch a cyclops between the eyes.

Chuck Norris was supposed to star in the TV show 'Man vs Wild', but the network did not want kids thinking 'lava is safe to eat'.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Ever wonder why Oklahoma has a panhandle? That's where Chuck Norris grabbed it to swing at the dinosaurs

Chuck Norris' beard is fashioned out of wookie fur

If Miss Philippines, Maria Venus Raj, answered "Chuck Norris" at the last question, she would have won Miss Universe... forever.

Chuck Norris graduated from the University of Bad-Ass, with a degree in whoop ass, and a concentration in roundhouse kicks to the face.

Chuck Norris doesn't need air to survive, the air needs him

Each hair on Chuck Norris' beard holds the soul of a victim.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, the radio pauses for a dramatic effect.

Chuck Norris trick-or-treated as himself as a child.

Chuck Norris doesn't have any power-ups, he's all maxed out.

Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that he can't lift it. And then lift it.

Chuck Norris first film was released before he was born

No Chuck Norris reality shows exist because no one can survive in Chuck Norris' reality

The Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and the Abominable Snowman DO exist, they're just too scared to appear in public in Chuck Norris finds and kills them

Chuck Norris is so strong, he can punch a hole through thin air.

Shortly after Ricky Martin announced he was gay, Chuck Norris scared him straight.

The only time you'll see Chuck Norris getting swallowed by darkness is after he roundhouse kicked you. And you're dying.

Chuck Norris knows where Hidden Valley is.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes…and when Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

Once the batmobile accidentally hit Chuck Norris. He roundhouse kick it. Now the batmobile is known as Voyager.

Chuck Norris walked into a mud pit and came out clean

When Chuck Norris stares at the Sun too long, global warming occurs.

Chuck Norris is the reason why it's called "Breaking News"

Chuck Norris can play billiards by using a toothpick as his cue stick

Chuck Norris doesn't need to exhale, he just opens his mouth and the air runs away by itself

Before crossing a bridge, trolls check under it for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris won American Idol, while on "the Voice"

Chuck Norris makes his victims dig their own graves, so his job is less labor intensive.

Jails in Texas don't have guards. As long as Chuck Norris is a Texas Ranger, nobody tries to escape.

Chuck Norris once played "The Maze Game" and got to level 4.

Chuck Norris once created a time machine and had to fight himself. We call it The Big Bang.

Chuck Norris is the reason that the vampires couldn't go out at day.

Chuck Norris wouldn't need equipment if he was a RPG character: his roundhouse kick and beard beat any item.

Chuck Norris can make jello in a microwave

Chuck Norris can punch himself yesterday, and can change time

Chuck Norris thinks math is primitive

Aliens haven't visited Earth because they're afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is the reason to why you can't find Carmen SanDiego

The square root of Pain is Chuck Norris

Pluto is not a planet because Chuck Norris said so.

The reason Ferb never talks is because Chuck Norris told him to shut up.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a reflection in the mirror because it's afraid to look at Chuck

Chuck Norris doesn't sleep. EVER.

If Chuck Norris hates you, you are already dead.

Chuck Norris killed a bunch of lions by touching them.

Chuck Norris once caused a whale to explode by looking at it.

Chuck Norris pities Mr. T.

Chuck Norris killed Hitler.

Chuck Norris can destroy a hurricane by blowing it away.

Eqyptians didn't build the pyramids, Chuck Norris did.

Chuck Norris can count to infinity. TWICE.

Chuck Norris can eat water and pee soup.

Chuck Norris had a pet lizard named Godzilla.

Santa watches kids to determine if they are good; Chuck Norris watches Santa for the same reason.

Chuck Norris eats coal and shits diamonds.

Chuck Norris once told one hundred gallons of sleeping pills. It made him blink.

Chuck Norris eats dinosaur hamburgers for breakfast.

In the United States, calling Chuck Norris stupid is a federal offense. Calling him weak is punishable by death.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

The Martians exists, but they don't dare to show up because, once they had a contract with Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once decided to dig a hole, today we call it the Grand Canyon.

In episode #121 of Wild America, Chuck Norris was not placed at the top of the North American food chain. Marty Stouffer hasn't been seen since 1994.

Death Valley wasn't named that because of its heat, it was named Death Valley because Chuck Norris has a summer home there.

Taking Karate Lessons = $100, Buying MMA DVD's= $150, Subscribing to a UFC event = $50, Getting a Roundhouse Kick from Chuck Norris = PRICELESS

Explosions walk away from Chuck Norris in slow motion.

Mosquitos refuse to bite Chuck Norris