Chocolate with Nuts Transcript

(SpongeBob is humming inside of his mailbox. He checks his watch. The mailman opens the mailbox.)

SpongeBob: Hi fag!

(The mailman yells in fear and runs off)

SpongeBob: O.K, fuck you!

(SpongeBob gets out of the mailbox. Patrick walks up.)

Patrick: Hey, the crap's here! What did you get?

SpongeBob: Let's see... (Looks through the mail) Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary, Hey! A porn magazine!

(SpongeBob looks at the magazine)

SpongeBob: That's funny, I don't remember subscribing to PlayBoy.

SpongeBob and Patrick: (They look inside the magazine) WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!!

SpongeBob: Look at all these boobs!

SpongeBob: This guy so rich, he's in a porn magazine.

Patrick: This guy is a pervert.

Squidward: Give me that! (Takes the magazine) Stealing my porn, eh? You're lucky I don't report you to the fucking fatass cops!

SpongeBob: Hey Squidward, how do the people in that porn magazine get all that money?

Squidward: They're faggots. They sell things to people.

SpongeBob: What kind of things?

Squidward: How should I know? Things people wanna fuck! (walks off) Now keep your pieces of shit you call hands off my mail.

SpongeBob: That's it, Patrick! We gotta becomes faggots!

Patrick: Is that gonna hurt?

SpongeBob: Quick Patrick, without thinking, if you could have anything in the world right now, what would it be?

Patrick: Uh... (sweats) Sex.

SpongeBob: No, something real, load of shit, an item, something you would pay for.

Patrick: A chocolate bar?

SpongeBob: That's a great idea, Pat! We'll become traveling chocolate bar seamen!

(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick exiting the Barg'n-Mart carrying many chocolate bars)

SpongeBob: Fancy living, here we come!

Patrick: Make way for a couple of faggots! (He pronounces it "frag-gots")

(SpongeBob and Patrick walk up to a house)

SpongeBob: O.K. Patrick, this is it! The first step on our road to living crappy! Just follow my lead.

(SpongeBob runs up and knocks on the door, a fish opens the door)

SpongeBob: Good afternoon sir, could we interest you in some (holds up chocolate bar) chocolate shit?

Tom: Chocolate? Did you say, Chocolate?!

Patrick: Yes sir. With or without testicles?

Tom: Chocolate?! CHOCOLATE?!?!?! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!! CHOCOLAAAAAAAAAAAATE!!!!! GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(SpongeBob and Patrick slowly back away then run off. Tom chases them while madly screaming "CHOCOLAAATE!!!")

(The scene cuts to SpongeBob ringing the doorbell of another house)

SpongeBob: O.K, the first asshole didn't count. This is our REAL first crap!

(A Con man opens the door.)

SpongeBob: Good Morning, fag! Would you like to buy some chocolate?

Con man: Chocolate bars, eh?

SpongeBob: Yes sir, we ARE chocolate bar seamen!

Con man: Ha! A couple of crappy seamen if you ask me. That's no way to carry your pieces of crap!

(Patrick is shown holding many chocolate bars in his pants)

Con man: No, no no no, WRONG. You guys wanna be weird seamen, right?

SpongeBob and Patrick: Oh, most certainly, fag!

Con man: Well, (chuckles) no fucking candy bar seaman would be set on fire without one of these! (He holds up a bright-orange bag)

SpongeBob: Woooooooow... what the fuck is it?

Con man: It's a piece of crap, you yellow fag! It's specially designed to cradle each candy bar in brainfucked comfort!

(SpongeBob tries to touch it)

Con man: (pulls bag away) BUT, I'm fucking my time. (Walks inside) You don't need these loads of shit called bags.

SpongeBob and Patrick: We need 'em! We need 'em!

(The Con man grins, the scene changes to the Con man counting money. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking away with armfuls of bags)

Con man: So long, fags! Happy hunting! (Laughs when the two aren't looking) Retards... (walks back inside)

SpongeBob and Patrick (singing as they run off): Crappy livin', here we come! La la la la la!

SpongeBob: Let's try next door!

(SpongeBob walks up and rings the doorbell with his foot, the same Con man comes out)

Con man: Yes?

SpongeBob: Huh? Say, weren't you the same fag who sold us these crappy candy bar bags.

Con man: I... don't recall. But it looks to me like you retards have got a lot of bags there. You two lady fuckers are too retarded to be without one of my crappy Candy Bar Bag Carrying Shit. (Holds up two large maroon bags)

Patrick: We'll take an assload

(Scene changes to SpongeBob knocking on the door of a different house, Sadie comes out)

Sadie: Oh, what can I do for you two nice young fags?

SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate bars, bitch. Would you like to buy one?

Sadie (captions on TV call it Woman and Credits on TV call it Lady Fish.) : That sounds horrible! I'll take 2,905 chocolate bars.

SpongeBob: 2,095 chocolate bars, coming up!

(SpongeBob attempts to pull out a chocolate bar, but keeps pulling more bags, while Patrick is zipping and unzipping his pants)

Sadie: I don't fucking have time for this.

(Sadie goes back inside, and then SpongeBob pulls out 2,905 chocolate bars.

SpongeBob: I... got it! 2,905 chocolate bars for the nice-

Tom: CHOCOLAAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE! CHOCOLAAAATE!

SpongeBob: -bitch.

(Tom chases SpongeBob and Patrick again while screaming CHOCOLAAAATE!)

(The scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick sitting in a diner)

SpongeBob: We're not doing so well, Patrick. We need a new approach, a new load of shit.

Patrick: Hm... I got it! Let's get laided!

SpongeBob: No, let's save that for when we're selling real estate... There must be SOMETHING. What was the reason we bought those assload of bags?

Patrick: He said we were crappy...

SpongeBob: That's it! He made us feel horrible!

Patrick: Yeah, he did... I'm going back to teabag that guy!

(Patrick runs to the door)

SpongeBob: NO, wait Patrick!

(Patrick freezes in place)

SpongeBob: Why don't we try being fags?

Patrick: Oh, okay.

(Scene changes to SpongeBob and Patrick walking up to a customer's door)

SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, flatter the customer, make him fell uncomforable.

(Patrick knocks on the door, a customer opens the door)

Blue Fish with purple stripes: Hello?

Patrick: I love you.

(Patrick farts loudly)

(A harp is heard playing, the customer stares at SpongeBob and Patrick for a few seconds, then he slams his door shut, a tuba is heard playing after the slamming.)

SpongeBob: I think you fucked it on a lot thick there, old pal. Let me try.

(SpongeBob rings the doorbell, the customer opens the door)

Blue Fish with purple stripes: Please, G-Go away, asshole.

SpongeBob: Um, *clears throat* W-What you doin'?

Blue Fish with purple stripes: What am I doing?

SpongeBob: Wanna buy some our shit?

Patrick: We fucked him now!

Blue Fish with purple stripes: Sorry, chocolate has sugar and sugar turns to bubbling lard. Isn't that right, lover boy?

(Patrick's belly is bubbling)

Patrick: Hee hee, it tickles!

Blue Fish with purple stripes: As you can see, me and chocolate no longer fuck.

(The customer holds up a picture of an obese self at age 13)

Blue Fish with purple stripes: You can keep that for 10 bucks.

Patrick: I'll take 37.

(Cut to SpongeBob with a sad look on his face walking, a sad song plays)

SpongeBob: We haven't sold one fucking chocolate bar. I got a feeling that were too easily distracted.

(Cut to Patrick staring at the pictures)

Patrick: Huh?

(Far cut)

SpongeBob: (raising his fist) Let's make a fuck right now that we will stay focused on selling at the next piece of shit!

Patrick: (Removing pictures from his face) Huh?

SpongeBob: (Holding out his hand) Let's fuck on it.

Patrick: (Looking at SpongeBob confused) Did you say something?

(Cut to the other customer's house, SpongeBob and Patrick are seen entering the view)

SpongeBob: Remember Patrick, focus.

(Cut to the door, SpongeBob knocks on it, customer answers)

Purple Fish: What the hell do you what?!

SpongeBob: Good afternoon, fag, wanna buy some chocolate?

(Patrick somehow moves up to the customer with his eyes going in and out back and forth)

Purple Fish: Why is Lardy here staring at me?

(Cut to Patrick's eyes)

Patrick: Focusing.

(Cut to the inside of the customer's house)

Purple Fish: Back off, Fag!

(The customer slams the door on Patrick's eyes, Patrick is heard saying "Oof!" from the other side of the door)

Patrick: (Moving eyes around) Nice dump you got in here.

(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)

SpongeBob: I can't fucking understand what were doing wrong.

Patrick: I can't understand crappy mexican music.

SpongeBob: There's something to this selling shit were just not getting. Other fags do it, I mean look at that!

(Cut to the sign)

Patrick: (reading the sign) Eat Barnacle Shit, it's horrible.

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: They are certainly horrible!

Patrick: (smiling) Not the way I fuck them!

(Cut to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Yet they sell shitloads of bags a day!

(Cut to Patrick)

Patrick: Well, maybe if they didn't stretch the crap, they wouldn't sell as many.

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: (Happily) That's fucking it, Patrick! We've gotta stretch the crap!

Tom (subtitles on TV call it Man.): CHOCOLATE!!!!!!

(SpongeBob and Patrick run off, cut to Mary's house)

SpongeBob: We'll work as a gang. Let me get this customer fucked up and you come in for the crap!

Patrick: The crap!

(SpongeBob uses the doorbell, Mary answers)

Mary: Yes?

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: Hello, young bitch.

(SpongeBob winks at Patrick, Patrick then chuckles)

SpongeBob: We're selling chocolate. (Getting a closer look at Mary) Is your mother dead?

(Cut to Mary)

Mary: Mom!

Mother: (Entering from the right side of the house) What, what, what's all the fucking yelling

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick who have stunned looks on their faces)

(Cut back to Mary's mother)

Mother: You just fucking can't fucking wait for me to fucking die, can't you?

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

Mary: They're selling chocolate.

Mother: Chocolate?

Mary: Yeah!

(Cut to Mary and Mom)

Mother: What, what the fuck are they fucking selling?

Mary: Chocolates!

Mother: What?

Mary: CHOCOLATES!

Mother: I can't fucking hear you?

Mary: THEY'RE SELLING CHOCOLATES!!

Mother: They're selling chocolate?

Mary: YEAH!!

(Cut to a close-up of Mary's mother smiling)

Mother: Chocolate. I fucking remember when they fucking first started selling fucking chocolate. Sweet, sweet, chocolate.

(Cut back to view Mary and her mom)

Mother: I always fucking hated it!

(Cut to SpongeBob sweating)

SpongeBob: Oh, but this chocolate's not for eating. It's for...

(Patrick comes from the top left)

Patrick: You shoving up your ass and it makes you live forever.

(Cut to Mary and her mom, Mary is heard saying no constantly)

Mother: Live forever you fucking say I'll fucking take one (Mary slaps her face)

(Cut to the outside, Mary pays SpongeBob a dollar)

Mother (From inside house): Fucking come on, lazy Mary (Cut to Mary) Start fucking me with that fucking chocolate!

Mary (looking at SpongeBob and Patrick angrily): Fuck you. (Slams door)

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: If we keep exaggerating the crap, we'll be crappy living in know time!

Patrick: (Raising fist) Hooray for fucking!

(Bubbles come up and cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick is seen with a look that was about to make him laugh)

SpongeBob: It'll make your dick grow.

(Cut to Fred)

Fred: Great! My wife's trying to grow a dick!

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, Patrick has a sad face this time)

SpongeBob: It'll make you sound retarded.

(Cut to the customer holding money)

Customer (southern accent): I'll take 2 billion!

(Cut to Patrick)

Patrick: It'll keep your ass from getting any uglier.

(Cut to the two Patricks)

Patrick 2: Just in time.

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick over and over)

SpongeBob: They'll make you die!

Patrick: You'll fall off the Grand Canyon!

SpongeBob: They'll bring you an unplanned pregancy!

Patrick: You'll crap on walls!

SpongeBob: (echoing) You'll fuck the world!!

(Cut to a door, SpongeBob and Patrick are wrapped in casts)

(Cut close to Patrick)

Patrick: This'll be the best crap yet!

(Cut to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Yeah, this fag will feel sorry for us, he'll have to fucking buy all of our shit!

(Customer opens door)

Customer: What can I do for you fags?

(Cut to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Hello, fag. Would you like to buy a chocolate bar? We need to be neutered.

Customer: Really?

(Cut to the customer, who apparently is in a cast covering his entire body)

Customer: Small world. What's the fuck with you guys?

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, who are completely stunned)

SpongeBob: (nervously) Um, we've got some dick trauma and anal bleeding.

(Cut to the customer)

Customer: Well, some fags have all the luck.

(A violin begins)

Customer: I was born with woody bones and lizard skin. Every morning, I break my dick, and every afternoon, I break my nose.

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick, they both have faces meaning that they were about to cry)

Customer: At night, (A tear runs down SpongeBob's cheek) I lay awake in irony until my bear attacks put me to sleep.

(Cut to the customer, the wires snap)

Customer: (About to fall) Oh shit...

(A glass breaking sound is heard while the customer grunts while hitting the steps)

Customer: (On the last step) Fuck...

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick)

SpongeBob: Come on, Patrick, let's fuck him!

(Cut to the inside of SpongeBob's house)

(SpongeBob and Patrick enter from the left)

SpongeBob: Careful, put him down hard.

(Patrick drops the customer's head, a glass breaking sound is heard, cut close to the customer)

Customer: (In pain) Fucking bullshit!!

(Cut to SpongeBob)

SpongeBob: Poor, poor man. Is there anything, anything we can do to fuck you?

(Cut to the customer)

Customer: Well, there is one thing...as you can imagine, my medical bills are extremely low, but luckily, I am able to fuck myself alive by selling...chocolate bars.(jestures his head over to a massive stack of chocolate bar boxes)

(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene)

(Cut to the customer looking out his window as SpongeBob and Patrick walk by)

Customer: Such nice fags, (far cut to the customer) it does my heart good to con a couple of faggot motherfuckers like those two! HA HA HA!!!

(Cut to a close-up of the customer laughing while looking at his cash, zipping his coustume off to reveal himself as the Con Artist from earlier)

(Cut to the street)

SpongeBob (grunting): Don't get me wrong, Patrick. It's great that we helped that fag out, but there's no fag left in town to sell chocolate bars to.

(SpongeBob makes another grunting noise, he trips up on a rock and falls, cut to SpongeBob with a box flat on his face)

SpongeBob: Let's admit it, Patrick. We're assholes!

Patrick (Walking in from the left): I can fuck with that. (Places box on SpongeBob's box and sits on it, making a small squeaking sound)

SpongeBob: Let's change our names to Fag and Shithead.

(Tom appears behind the box)

Tom: (Screams and knocks SpongeBob, Patrick and the boxes over)

(Cuts to SpongeBob and Patrick)

(SpongeBob and Patrick babble)

SpongeBob: No! Don't FUCK us. Please don't FUCK me. No no. Pleaseeee.

Patrick: No! Don't fuck us, Tom. E-E-E-E-Eat Sperm.

(Cuts to Tom laughing manically)

Tom: Finally! I've been trying to catch you fags all day! Now that I got you right where I fucking want you...I'd like to buy all your shit. (Holds up a large amount of cash)

(Cut to SpongeBob and Patrick looking shocked, chocolate bars fall out of Patrick's shorts, along with a Hershey's kiss)

(Cut back to the three, SpongeBob and Patrick melt)

SpongeBob: Thank you for your crap.

(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, Patrick is pushing a wheelbarrow)

Patrick: Are we living the crappy life yet, SpongeBob?

(Cut to the money in the barrel, SpongeBob pops out)

SpongeBob: Not yet, lardy! First, we got to spend all the dough.

(Cut to the two)

Patrick: But what are we going to waste it on?

(Cut to SpongeBob thinking)

(Bubbles come up and cut to the next scene, a boat in a bottle with "Fancy!" on top is seen)

(Cut to the inside of the boat)

Squidward (Walking in from the left): Good evening, fag. Table for ten, please.

(Cut to the server)

Server: Sorry, but the whole restraunt has been rented to a crappy party.

(Cut to Squidward shocked)

Squidward: But it's my only night to be fancy! Oh, who could fucking afford to rent out the whole restraunt?

(Cut to the Server and Squidward)

Server: Oh, a couple of rich faggots and their (leaning over to Squidward) bitches.

(Cut to SpongeBob, Patrick, Mary, and Mary's mother, Mary is seen holding a glass)

SpongeBob: So, how long have you two bitches known each other?

(Pause)

Mother: What? What the fuck did he say?

(Fade to black)