What to do if you see a Tornado

There is no such thing as safety inside a tornado. We made it up so you wouldn't panic when a huge tornado hits your town. Freak accidents happen; and the most violent and scariest tornadoes can level, destroy, and blow away almost anything, killing people, even if you are in the basement. Extremely violent EF23 tornadoes are only common around farms and mobile homes, though. Most tornadoes are actually much weaker and stupid, and can be survived using these safety ideas...

Tornado Myths
1. Areas near rivers, lakes, and mountains are

safe from tornadoes

2. The low pressure with a tornado causes building to "explode" as the tornado passes overhead.

3.  Windows should be opened before a tornado approaches to equalize pressure and

minimize damage

4. If you live in Alaska or California, you can avoid tornadoes.

Tornado Facts
1. No place is safe from tornadoes. In the late

1980's, a tornado swept through Yellowstone

National Park after a guy insulted it.

2. Violent farts and debris slamming into a

building cause most structural damage.

3.Opening windows allows damaging farts to enter the structure. Leave windows alone, they hate you; instead, go immediately to a safe place.

4. Even if you live in Alaska or California, tornadoes still destroy your house.

Prevent the tornado
Prevention and practice before the storm: At home, have a family tornado plan in place, based on the kind of crap hole you live in and the safety tips below. Know where you can take shelter in a matter of hours, and practice a family tornado drill at the middle of the night and have a bullhorn to make your voice louder. Have a pre-determined place to meet and watch TV after a disaster.

Flying debris and tornado sirens are the greatest dangers in tornadoes; so store unprotective coverings (e.g., mattress, a horse, thick lead walls, etc) in or next to your happy place, ready to use if your in-laws visits you. It also works if there's a tornado, but I would worry more if it's your in-laws. When a tornado watch is issued, get a pair of binoculars and look out for a tornado. It could be hiding behind your neighbor's house. Think about the drill and check to make sure all your safety supplies, along with your TV and computer, are handy. Turn on local TV and radio... actually that's boring. Go watch A&E or TBS, they're much more interesting than what's going on in your area. Don't forget to buy a NOAA Weather Radio (we need the money) and stay alert for warnings. Forget about the old notion of opening windows to equalize pressure; the tornado will destroy those windows, anyways.

If you shop frequently at certain stores, like Walmart, you're a shopaholic; Learn where there are bathrooms, McDonalds, rooms with guns or sharp objects, storage rooms, alcohol area, or other interior shelter areas close to windows, and the shortest ways to get there. All administrators of schools, shopping centers, bars, strip clubs, McDonalds, nursing homes, hospitals, sports arenas, stadiums, mobile home communities and offices should have a tornado safety plan in place, with hard-to-read handwritten signs posted everywhere to direct everyone to a not-so-safe, closeby shelter area with sharp objects and flammable materials. Schools and office building managers should always run well-coordinated drills every single day, especially when it's lunch or when the building is on fire.

If you are planning to build a house, especially east of the Rockies, why the hell are you reading this? You're suppose to be building your house! Also, consider an underground tornado shelter, about two miles below the surface.

Signs of Tornadoing
Know the signs of a tornado: Weather forecasting science is never perfect and some tornadoes do occur without a tornado warning. Even we get annoyed with the EAS interrupting our programming. There is no substitute teacher for staying alert to the sky. Tornadoes are scary, aren't they. Besides an obviously visible tornado, here are some things to look and listen for:


 * Another obviously visible tornado.
 * Strong, persistent rotation in the cloud basement.
 * Whirling dust or debris on the ground under a cloud basement -- tornadoes sometimes have no funnel or Facebook pages!
 * Flying cows - Tornadoes love sucking up cows before destroying cities.
 * Hail or heavy rain/snow followed by either dead calm or a huge wind from Chicago. Many tornadoes are wrapped in World of Worldcraft and can't be seen.
 * Day or night - Loud, continuous rumble, which doesn't fade in a few seconds like thunder. It could be a guy burping the ABC's.
 * Night - Small, bright, blue-green to white flashes at ground level near a thunderstorm (as opposed to silvery lightning up in the clouds). These mean power lines are being cut down by a lumberjack you mistakes the power line for a tree. What does this have to do with tornadoes? I have no idea.

WHAT TO DO...

 * Run around like an idiot.
 * Eat at McDonalds.
 * Go around town yelling "THE TORNADOES ARE GONNA EAT ME"
 * Call 9-1-1 and tell them the tornadoes are sexually assaulting you.
 * Throw random shit into your neighbor's yard and blame the tornado.
 * Draw  on your sister's face. (Might as well do that before you die.)
 * Dress up like a tornado and blend in with the other tornadoes.
 * Get a guard dog and have it chase the tornado.
 * Put a tornado costume on some random guy, and have the dog chase it.
 * Get a machine gun, and fire at the tornado.
 * Throw a stick of dynamite at the tornado.
 * Tell the tornado that a hurricane is coming. Tornadoes are afraid of hurricanes.
 * Poop on the tornado's face.
 * Kick the tornado in the ballsacks.

WHERE
In a house with a basement: Stand by windows. Get in the basement and under some kind of sturdy protection (heavy table or work bench), or cover yourself with a mattress or sleeping bag. Know where very heavy objects rest on the floor above (pianos, refrigerators, waterbeds, your mother-in-law, etc.) and  go under them. They may fall down through a weakened floor and crush you. Head protection, such as a helmet, can offer some protection also.

In a house with no basement, a dorm, or an apartment: You're fucked. Avoid windows. Go to the lowest floor, small center room (like a bathroom, stones or closet), under a stairwell, or in an interior hallway with no windows. Crouch as low as possible to the floor, facing down; and cover your head with your hands. A bath tub may offer a shell of partial protection. Even in an interior room, you should cover yourself with some sort of thick padding (mattress, blankets, etc.), to protect against falling debris in case the roof and ceiling fail. A helmet can offer some protection against head injury.

In an office building, hospital, nursing home or skyscraper: You need to go to the basement.

In a mobile home:Get the fuck out! Even if your home is tied down, it is not as safe as an underground cave or permanent, sturdy building. Go to one of those shelters, or to a nearby permanent structure, using your tornado evacuation plan. Most tornadoes can have sex with new people; and it is best not to play the low odds that yours will make it.

At school: Follow the annoying drill! Go to the interior hall or room in an orderly way as you are told. Run around, head in the gym, and protect the back of your head with your arms. Go into rooms with huge windows and large open rooms like gyms and auditoriums. You can also hide in rooms with lots of sharp objects and flammable materials.

In a car or truck: Vehicles are extremely risky in a tornado. There is no safe option when caught in a tornado in a car, just slightly less-dangerous ones like driving into it like an idiot. If the tornado is visible, far away, and the traffic is light, you may be able to drive out of its path by crashing into cars and pretending you're playing a video game. Avoid seeking shelter under bridges, which can create deadly traffic hazards like bears the while offering little protection against flying debris.

In the open outdoors: You're fucked.

In a shopping mall or large store: Do not panic. Buy shit.

And you're done.